Sunday 22 March 2015

An Open Letter: To Whom It May Concern

Dear A,

As I'm done writing this, my heart is still itchy - either to tell or not.

As I told you, I saw you twice before the day we started talking to each other beside the escalator. The first one might not be you, but I'm pretty sure about the latter one. That day when my friend and I were seeing you at *** Mall - I said to him, "hey, I think I saw this guy before, look at his misai!" (it left me with some imaginations btw...lol).

Then, he told me that it was you - the guy that he's been talking about to me for quite some time.
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On the day we met, I actually was too tired and about to give up the job. It seems like the devil side had taken over the angel side of me. I was wandering around and thinking about quitting and everything. And it happened that suddenly I saw a guy that is similar to the guy that my friend knows - went down from the escalator.

So, since that I also know another 'similar' guy that I used to see and kind of wanting to see him more so I decided to follow. To be honest, nothing on earth that I would dare to think about talking to you, not even in my wildest dream! I just wanted to see and re-confirm the identity - looking from far away and disappearing...
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Here are few points:

1) I have to admit that I had the feeling that you are Mr. A when we're in the middle of our conversation. My friend told me how knowledgeable you are, and as we started to expand the topic of the conversation, I completely get his point.

2) When you told me your name, I was dead inside. He used to tell me about the name people normally call you is different than how he calls you and what it means.

3) I should've known where I should stand from that point. But at that particular time, I wasn't sure if  I were at the state of in denial, or because of my fluctuation emotions, that I couldn't make up my mind and berterus terang.

4) When you touched my nipple, I somehow felt objectified. But to get the feeling of acceptance, I cannot afford another rejection if I jual mahal. I just wanted to feel good about myself - esp to get the energy to survive for the whole day.

5) However, once both of your hands grab my shoulders, and kind of shaking them gently, I felt sort of motivation and verification came into my veins. After being rejected from bunch of people from the morning, it's electric to get THIS positive energy. It warmed my heart and I could feel the conviction from your words and how you act. Then I lost my rational again.

6) I respect my friend. He is reliable. I have known him since we're studying in M**. In fact, we used to be roommates. Ever since we've kantoikan each other that we're gay, we have shared so many stories. The appointment that I told you I would have that day, was with him. And one of the first things he told me was when we met was, "I had a date with Mr. A yesterday at a Chinese restaurant..."

To even say that I know you, not from his introduction - would be catastrophic. Lebih-lebih lagi dengan situasi dia, Z dan you sekarang. I feel bad and inappropriate if I were to add another triangle in this already complex circle.

7) Having said that, I totally understand that kesudian you untuk keluar dengan I bukanlah bermakna you nak commit apa-apa. In fact, I was super super lucky to have someone worth your caliber untuk ajak keluar. You don't know how big it means to me. It rejuvenates my self-belief bits by bits and I couldn't thank enough for your sincerity and warmth.

8) Mr. A, it's painful. I hope this pain is merely because of the loss of an inspirational figure, that happened to be you coming at the right time and the right gesture - so that I can find another one, rather than an attachment that's growing in me.  

Thank you Mr. A for being a great human being that touches/changes others' life tremendously, or at least mine. As I told you, I will treasure the moment we shared, from my perspective.


Regards,
ME

5 comments:

  1. sabar je la... Mr A nak jadi kawan kau pun kira best..

    ade lagi someone better kat luar sana.. heheheh. itu je yang aku boleh huraikan...

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  2. Takde lah best sangat, awal2 dah kena friendzoned. lol

    Mungkin the right one, rather than the better one i suppose...

    Btw Mr. Gibb, boleh tak jadikan kisah ni sebagai soalan di #askgibb please. Kalau boleh nak skip the queue as well. *special request* huhuhu

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  3. Panjangnye soalan kamu.. Jenuh nak
    merungkainya

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  4. Gibb! yeayyy finally you get my request. huhuh... kalau panjang sangat, Gibb buat portion2 lah mana yang Gibb rasa penting je. :D

    Toce2

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  5. insyaallah... gibb akan cuba dalam 2-3 hari ni....

    ReplyDelete